For better or worse, over the past few years the Internet has found itself compulsively reinventing Disney princesses to questionable ends. We’ve seen well-intentioned reimaginings that serve to comment on Disney princesses’ homogeneity, like the Disney princesses with larger waistlines. We’ve seen dubious—and horny—reimaginings, like the Disney princesses as sexy pin-up dolls (because there’s nothing like masturbating to beloved childhood characters). We’ve seen completely confounding and arbitrary reimaginings, like Disney princesses with short hair for summer, which prove this one point: Literally any way you decide to reimagine Disney princesses will be inspiring and beautiful, no matter what. Nevermind that the Disney princesses are the product of a billion-dollar capitalist behemoth, or that they emphasize conventional beauty standards and submission to men. That’s nothing that a good listicle can’t gloss over.
With that in mind, we put our heads together and thought about what kinds of Disney princesses would inspire us the most. And obviously we thought of hot dogs. Disney has never created a princess who was a hot dog (dumb, in our opinion). Imagine if all of their princesses were hot dogs. So inspiring. Wow.
So here you go: Rapunzel, Ariel, Belle, and Pocahontas—as hot dogs.
+ hot dogs
+ hot dog buns
+ American cheese (the processed stuff)
+ mustard, ketchup, Sriracha, barbecue sauce
+ really, whatever you have around
1. Boil your hot dogs. Or don’t. Were you really planning on eating these?
2. Nestle each hot dog inside of a bun. This will keep them secure while you do unspeakable things to them.
3. Start crafting each princess’s attire.
For Ariel: Slice two small circles from the outer rings of a red onion. Secure them to her hot-dog bosom with mustard. Then, slice a romaine lettuce leaf in half horizontally and discard the non-leafy end. Slice the leaf in half to mimic a tail. Put it on the hot dog, too.
For Belle: Cut her dress out of American cheese, using multiple slices to mimic the volume of the fabric. Use yellow mustard for additional detailing.
For Pocahontas: Cut a short, one-shouldered dress out of American cheese, then use a knife to delicately create fringe detailing. Use mustard to belt it and cut out a small string of onion skin for a necklace.
For Onion-Dress Princess/Rapunzel: Onions!!!!!!!!!!
4. Next, give them faces and hair.
For Ariel: Sriracha hair, ketchup lips, barbecue-sauce eyes.
For Belle: Barbecue-sauce hair, ketchup lips, barbecue-sauce eyes.
For Pocahontas: Barbecue-sauce hair, ketchup lips, barbecue-sauce eyes.
For Onion-Dress Princess: Corn!!!!!!!!!!
5. Gaze upon your creations, then feed them to your dog while belting out “Colors of the Wind.”
What We Learned:
We can’t stress enough how inspiring it was to see the Disney princesses as hot dogs. It was incredible to imagine these hot dogs doing all of the great passive things that the original princesses did, like looking nice, singing beautiful songs, marrying princes (hot dog wedding!), and getting helped by men.