1. Try to breathe evenly.
2. Keep your face at least one and a half feet away from the cutting surface.
3. Use a sharp knife to reduce spray.
4. Don’t think about Jamie, bro. Whatever you do, you have to forget about her and move on to someone new. You need to try to be happy and single for a while and learn to know yourself again. And when you are ready to date again, there are so many other people out there who could be perfect for you. You’ve been so down lately, you know? It’s hard to see you like this.
5. Put onions in the refrigerator for one hour before cutting.
6. I know it’s a shock, but you and Jamie were always having problems. This is a positive change! I feel like it’s good that you can go on and find new things. She needs to be able to go on to new things, too. And not have to feel guilty about it.
7. Cut onions underwater in a bowl if you are especially sensitive.
8. Look, we weren’t hanging out man. I was just worried about you guys so I called her up. We talked that’s it. She just looked really sad, you know?
9. Light a candle near your cutting area.
10. It was such a small thing. I didn’t think I had to mention it. I saw her at the bar one night a few days after you guys broke up and thought it would be rude not to say hello. We just had one drink, as friends. I didn’t see her on purpose. I wouldn’t do that. But it would be fine if I did. You don’t have a monopoly on Jamie’s time, man.
11. Steam water near your cutting area to dissipate vapors.
12. I never would have said it to you when you guys were together, but you and Jamie never really made sense. You even said yourself, you always worked better as friends. Seriously, man. We should all hang out. Me and her are going to the game on Saturday, just for old time’s sake. You should come along!
13. Wear glasses or goggles.
14. Don’t worry about how many extra onions you used. It’s hard to get used to planning meals for one. Anyway, I think it’s awesome that you are getting into cooking. Especially without Jamie around the house. I bet you miss that pot pie. So good! And those oatmeal cookies. Perfect right out of the oven.
15. Place a fan in the kitchen to let fresh air in.
16. Seriously though, don’t trash talk her. She’s a good girl. Just because things are over between you two doesn’t mean you can’t respect her. You guys had a special thing for a long time. I feel like it will be important to all our friendships if you become okay with her being around.
17. Soak the onion in warm water before cutting it.
18. Are you sure you should be eating onions at all? Dating is hard enough without bad breath. I tell you what, stop cutting onions right now. Pop a mint and come hang out. I know this cool girl who seems like she would be really cool for you. We could all go out and do something. Actually that would work great because Jamie and I need an excuse to get out of the house. We’ve been in bed all day.