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How to Get Free Nachos

A recipe for Nachos Libre.

I’m a disgusting slob. I can’t have any food without getting myself and everything around me covered in whatever I’m eating. Even, say, an apple will somehow create a mess that I’ll have to deal with for 3-4 months. This recipe is an attempt to try and create something good out of that chaos. No, just kidding, it’s just a good thing to do if you hate yourself and think you deserve to feel bad.

cancun2I recommend that you get your materials at Taqueria Cancun in San Francisco on Mission and 19th.  I guess it doesn’t have to be from there, or even in San Francisco at all, but I’ve never tried it anywhere else. So I take no responsibility for anything that happens if you try this somewhere besides Cancun!

You can eat this entire thing by yourself, or share your creation with someone you love. When I was psychotic, I used to take people to do this on first or second dates. Then I learned that you’re supposed to hide your most disgusting qualities from potential partners until later.

1. When you get to Taqueria Cancun, order an al pastor super quesadilla “with everything.” Or I guess sub in whatever meat you like–sometimes I get al pastor AND carnitas! I’m overweight, btw.


2. Look at this thing! It’s crazy. If you eat just one half, you’ll feel pretty full and bad.


3. They will give you a FREE order of chips! Don’t eat these yet.


4. They will also give you FREE salsas. The technical names for these salsas are 1. red 2. green.


5. Eat your quesadilla over your chip pile, like a monster, without any regard for yourself/others/your surroundings.


6. The beautiful innards of the quesadilla will spill out onto the chips, creating these beautiful/horrific “nachos.” (You can pour those salsas on the pile too.) Eat them!


7. Think about your life and what you’ve just done.