Throughout our tenure as Lucky Peach’s resident Deranged Crafters, we’ve used our artistic talents and sick minds to transform cheeseballs, salads, and dumplings into nightmares. Again and again, we’ve willed the humble hot dog into unfortunate shapes. We’ve turned them into octopuses and mummies, given them manicures, used them as wedding cake toppers and Christmas trees, and, of course, reimagined them as Disney princesses.
As our column comes to a close, we thought it would only be fitting to return to our favorite medium to say goodbye. But how? What would be the single most deranged thing we could do to a hot dog?
Enter hot dog pantyhose, an anonymous image we stumbled upon years ago. It’s a close-up shot of a woman’s pelvic area; she’s wearing nude pantyhose stuffed to the brim with hot dogs and, it appears, nothing else. The image has proliferated on Tumblrs and Pinterest boards, but never with any mention of its source.
Hot dog pantyhose has become a bit of an obsession for us over the past few years, if only because it perfectly reflects how we may be feeling at any given time. Nursing a terrible hangover? Hot Dog Pantyhose. Ran into your ex at a party? Hot Dog Pantyhose. Watching the election results roll in, slowly realizing that Trump is going to be the president? Hot Dog Pantyhose!!!
The image has haunted us, and gotten us through some hard times and some good times. Our dream to recreate Hot Dog Pantyhose was finally realized with the help of our friend and celebrated meat model Allie Scully, who once let us put a lot of noodles in her hair for this column, and another time, a crown made from ham roses.
So we’d like to say goodbye and wish you all well the only way we know how—by doing a gross thing to hot dogs.
What you’ll need:
— A pair of nude pantyhose in your size
— At least two packs of tofu dogs or hot dogs
1. Put on the pantyhose.
2. Stuff the tofu dogs or hot dogs in your pantyhose.
What we learned: You can fit way more hot dogs into a pair of pantyhose than we initially thought.