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How to Eat a Burrito

The right way and the wrong way.

By Walter Green February 29, 2016

Since the release of my recent incendiary article in the VERSUS issue of Lucky Peach, on why San Francisco burritos are the best, thousands upon thousands have you have written in saying, “You’re a genius. We love your writing. But…how…how in the world do you eat a burrito? For those folks, and many of you who are wondering the same thing yourself but too afraid to ask for help, we present you with these handy suggestions.

The Wrong Way

Remove the foil of the burrito all the way before eating.UnwrapAsYouGo

The Right Way

Unwrap a bit, eat a bit, unwrap some more, eat some more, repeat.UnwrapAsYouGo2

The Wrong Way

Lay the burrito on its side and eat with a fork and knife.FORKANDKNIFE2

The Right Way

Lay the burrito on its side, and eat with chopsticks. If you’re having trouble lifting the burrito to your mouth with a single pair in one hand, use both hands, holding a handful of chopsticks in each.CHOPSTICK

The Wrong Way

Wear a bib or napkin in your lap to avoid spilling food on your self.Bibs

The Right Way

Cover your entire body in a self-made aluminum foil jumpsuit. If anything from the burrito escapes onto the suit, just tear away the area it fell on, wrap it up, and bring it home to eat later!

foil

The Wrong Way

Cut off the bottom of the burrito, letting the contents of the burrito spill everywhere.BottomCut

The Right Way

Cut off the *top* of the burrito. Get a very thick straw or perhaps an empty toilet paper roll. Suck up the contents of the burrito, like a “Batida De Burrito” if you will. When you’ve finally drank all the fillings and are left with just the wrapper, feed the leftover wet tortilla to your dog.

TopCut

The Wrong Way

Eat multiple burritos from different locations spread out over a long period of time.MultipleBurritos

The Right Way

Buy multiple burritos from multiple locations in one session, each with a different protein, type of tortilla, filling, etc. The more variety the better. Freeze the burritos (foil on) for a couple of hours, chilling the contents into place. Cleanly cut the burritos into 1-2 inch thick circles. Begin mixing and matching the burrito circles, and jamming them up against one another. When you’ve used up most of your burritos, affix top and bottom pieces to the burrito, creating, in essence, a Super Super Super Super Super Burrito. Set aside the leftover burrito ends. Add a second layer of foil to ensure your burrito remains intact. Transfer to a large pan, and cook your burrito in the oven for 60-70 minutes at 350 degrees. Unwrap the top of your burrito, eat a tiny bit, unwrap more as you eat very slowly over the course of two days. Optional: wear another suit made out of aluminum foil. Feed the leftover burrito ends to your dog if he’s still hungry. Optional: cover the dog in aluminum foil.superburrito