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How to Make a Ham Rose

The most beautiful flower in the plant kingdom.

The vast and verdant plant kingdom is filled with edible blossoms, but one reigns supreme. It is more palatable than any marigold or pansy, more fragrant than any gardenia or hibiscus, more lovely to look at than the most vibrant of lilacs.

This flower is, of course, the ham rose. A homey, hearty varietal, the ham rose grows perennially upon sunny hilltops, grassy clearings, and parsley-flanked luncheon platters. Periodically, a ham rose will sprout up in a child’s lunch or a banquet plate. The New York Times has reported sightings of “whorled blooms of prosciutto” nestled in a field of  hazelnuts and figs.

It occurs to us that if the ham rose can be a lunch accoutrement or a wedding decoration, can’t it also be a fashion accessory? What flower is better suited for a delicate crown to be worn to, say, a summer music festival? Using this photo of Lana Del Rey as our gold standard, we did our best to to craft our very own rosy, porky headpiece.

You will need:

— toothpicks
— wire
— parsley
— ham, duh

Instructions:

Cut a slice of ham in half.

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Gently roll the slice into a little blossom, gathering the bottom tightly together. Stick a toothpick through the bottom of the ham blossom to keep it in place. Repeat this with many more slices of ham.

Hamrose2

Cut a piece of wire long enough to wrap around your head about one and a half times. One at a time, carefully remove the toothpicks from the roses, sliding the wire into the holes left behind, until you have enough ham roses on the wire to cover the entire circumference of your head. Twist the ends of the wire together. Now tuck a few sprigs of parsley here and there between the ham roses.

Hamrose5

Your ham rose crown is now ready for Lollapalooza, or freeze it for next year’s Coachella.

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What we learned:

Ham roses are truly beautiful. So beautiful, in fact, that our official Deranged Crafts hair model, Allie Scully, had no qualms about putting them in her hair, despite their faint meat stink. Friends DO let friends put meat in their hair.