Since 1954, we at McDonald’s have been dedicated to serving you the very best in high-quality, delicious food. From our world famous fries, cooked in 100 percent vegetable oil, to our premium burgers, made with 100 percent real meat, we at McDonald’s are committed to serving satisfying, tasty meals to our billions of customers around the globe. Quality is, and always has been, our No. 1 priority.
But it’s not our only priority—we like to have a little fun sometimes, too! Many of our competitors have something called “secret” menus—fun twists on existing menu items, available only to those who are in the know! We at McDonald’s hate missing out on the fun, so we thought we’d drop a little knowledge on ya: McDonald’s has a “secret” menu, too!
You heard right: McDonald’s has a selection of off-menu creations that don’t appear on our menu, but are available to anyone who asks. And we’re not talking a McGangbang or any other spurious and, frankly, offensive do-it-yourself creations that have been circulated on the Internet in recent years. There is a legitimate secret menu, scrawled on the back of a placemat by Ray Kroc himself in the late 1950s, that has remained buried under a missile silo in southern Illinois—until today!
Below are just a few of our secret menu items, available at any of our 36,000 McDonald’s locations worldwide. All you have to do is ask for them by name. If you need to, ask again. Ask repeatedly until you get what you want. We think they’re pretty fun, and we hope you will, too! Enjoy, and Shh! Don’t tell anyone. :)
Sausage Egg Big MacMuffin
If you think starting your morning off with one Sausage McMuffin is good, just wait until you get your Muffin Mac’d! We take two of our savory sausage patties, two slices of melty American cheese, and two freshly cracked 100 percent real eggs, and serve them up in a toasted English muffin with an extra muffin slice in the middle—just like a Big Mac!
Love our hash browns, made with 100 percent real potato? Why not try a mash brown? While ordering, just tell our friendly crew member, “Make mine a mash!” or “Mash my brown!” and they will happily crush your hash brown with their hand before serving it to you.
Blankets in a Blankets
You’ll probably get a smile and a wink from one of our crew members when you order a “Blankets in a Blankets” at your local McDonald’s—it’s what we feed our employees exclusively during training! We take an order of our golden brown, maple-y, fluffy hot cakes and place them between a “bun” of two of our golden brown, maple-y, fluffy McGriddles, creating a breakfast experience that is truly extraordinary. You won’t know where one flavor begins and another ends, because they’re almost literally the same.
Keep your voice down when ordering this! Ray Kroc’s great-great-great-grandfather, Krocius Weishaupt IV, invented this subversive but delectable creation in eighteenth-century Bavaria. We take a freshly toasted English muffin (made with nine kinds of whole grain), a slice of American cheese, and a hot sausage patty, and present it as an “Eye of Providence,” watching over humankind and sowing insurrection everywhere. Please wear a cowl when ordering this secret item, and be ready to present an up-to-date membership card or a copy of Dan Brown’s Angels and Demons.
At McDonald’s, we know that people don’t go to restaurants to just enjoy their food—sometimes they want to have to put it together themselves! That’s why, at every one of our locations, you can order a deconstructed version of any of our menu items. Here is a regular order of a Big Mac with fries:
And here it is, “Derrida-style:”
Just tell your crew member, “Derrida it up!” or “Postmodern my meal!” and they will be happy to oblige for a nominal charge of $135 per person, plus 18 percent mandatory gratuity.
General Ro’s Chicken
Ding dong! Hear that? It’s the gong of the Orient, beckoning you to try one of our more exotic “secret” creations, with a forbidden taste of Asia in every bite! Why would you order our delicious twenty-piece chicken McNuggets, made with 100 percent legal meat, when you can order General Ro’s Chicken—twenty McNuggets that have been karate-chopped by Ronald McDonald himself, and completely drenched in our delectable Sweet ‘N Sour sauce. Served with “chopsticks” (two straws).
Pay homage to Depression-era film star Joan Crawford with the Mommie Dearest: we take a random selection of the previous day’s uneaten Dollar Menu sandwiches (manager’s choice), heat them up in one of our warming trays, and impale them on a series of 100 percent metal wire hangers. Don’t order this when you’re with Mom—or do, and watch the sparks fly!
The Burmese Python
Unhinge your jaw and listen to this: we take two of our double cheeseburgers (each made from two patties of 100 percent real meat), two slices of American cheese, ketchup, mustard, pickles, and diced onions, and stuff them into the mouth an old tube sock. Hiss! (Dine-in only; please return tube sock at end of meal.)
The Captain Nemo
All aboard! Go 20,000 leagues under the sea with this “secret” menu item. We take our famous Filet-O-Fish sandwich—100 percent sustainable, fresh-caught white fish bathed in melty American cheese and tangy tartar sauce on a freshly baked bun—and dunk it into a large cup of ice-cold Sprite. Bon voyage!
For a nominal fee, any of our dozens of menu items can be ordered “Diorama-style”—placed in a shoebox and arranged to resemble a famous book, play, or other work of literature. Here, an order of Chicken McNuggets, made with 100 percent genuine meat, is arranged in a performance of “12 Angry Hens,” based on the award-winning 1957 Sidney Lumet drama. (Please note: If you would like one particular McNugget to be Henry Fonda, you must state that at the time of ordering.)
When placing your order, just say “Hail Satan!” and perform the devil horn gesture with one or both hands, and one of our crew members will happily scrawl a pentagram on your sandwich with a Sharpie, free of charge. Rege Satanas!
Merrimack vs. Monitor
Head to your local McDonald’s to commemorate the Civil War’s most famous naval battle, when two ironclads clashed at Hampton Roads in 1862. Just say “Merrimack versus Monitor” at any McDonald’s location and we’ll assemble you a battle that would do Ulysses S. Grant (or Robert E. Lee!) proud. We’ll take a couple of Double Quarter Pounders stacked on top of each other (the Confederate-built Merrimack) and place it opposite a Premium Crispy Chicken Deluxe sandwich (the Union-built Monitor). Then we flood the tray with delicious strawberry Fanta, which represents both the site of the river battle as well as the hundreds of thousands of deaths that took place between 1861 and 1865!
Did someone say “dessert?” Our hot apple pies are made with a tender, flaky pastry crust and filled with warm, tender chunks of real apple. When you order a Master Cleanse from any of our McDonald’s locations, we take one of our sweet, delicious pies, empty the filling out completely, and replace it with our signature tangy ranch dipping sauce. If you can get through it, you won’t want—or be able—to eat again for days!
Dog in a Bathtub
Can’t get enough dessert, eh? We can’t either. :) We usually make our McFlurries by blending our signature premium soft-serve ice cream with M&M’s or Oreo cookies. But did you know you could also blend any one of our sandwiches into a McFlurry as well? Just tell a crew member, “Bathe that dog!” or “Give that puppy a bath!” and they’ll blend a McFlurry with one of our premium Bacon Clubhouse burgers, made with a premium sirloin 100 percent real meat patty, applewood-smoked bacon, white cheddar cheese, chipotle mayo, and savory-sweet grilled onions. This “secret” menu item got its name because, after eating it, keeping it down will be as difficult as giving a dog a bath.